By Jonathan Kay
Dear reader, before you continue I need you to promise that you will not google anything for the duration of your reading. The reason is that I didn’t google anything for this article, so we need to operate under the same level of ignorance.
For future historians, today’s day of enshrinement is April 4th, 2023 and THE George Washington University is changing its name from Colonials to one of four potential candidates: ambassadors, blue fog, revolutionaries, and, last and certainly least, sentinels. Why are sentinels the last runner-up? Well, let me answer that question with a question; what the heck is a sentinel? If you answered in your head “oh it’s like a guardian,” I have another question: what exactly does a sentinel guard do? Picture an apple for a second; you can like, see it, right? Now, seriously, what comes to your mind when you think sentinel? Nothing? Shocker.
Your brain is emptier than it was during that midterm (don’t worry I’m sure you did fine though). That’s because sentinels don’t exist. That’s right, dear reader, you have been hoodwinked your entire life to believe that you are the only person that doesn’t know what a sentinel is, but really no one knows and everyone’s too afraid to say something. Anyways as I was saying you don’t know what a sentinel is because, just like the Easter Bunny, Tooth Fairy, and Queen of England, they don’t exist. The cultural zeitgeist spontaneously birthed the word absent of correlation to anything tangible like Athena sprouting out of Zeus’s head.
Now I could end this article right now, but I have an agenda to push and I’ve trojan-horsed it into this article. Let’s establish the other three candidates that we are left with to consider now that we’ve collectively eliminated the sentinel. First, we have ambassadors who are almost as bad as sentinels; why? Because that makes us all look like Elliott kids™, and as an Elliott kid™ I wouldn’t wish that fate upon anyone.
Then there are the last two, the George Washington Revolutionaries and the George Washington Blue Fog. Whichever moniker I have decreed to be the best, dear reader, you must vote for; but what is this the best choice for the GW nameless wanderers right now? Well, picture this: the Smith Center fills with artificial fog (as opposed to real fog or an army of college students simultaneously feeding their nicotine addictions), the lights dim and then turn completely off, and, as the hit 2000s classic “I’m Blue Dabadee Daba” by the Blue Man Group radiates through the stadium, blue LED lights turn on everywhere. Wasn’t that kinda cool? Well, that could be us, but I need you, dear reader, to become ungovernable in the name of the Blue Fog. So join me in this righteous crusade to become the fourth team in all of college to have a name that doesn’t end in S or is super lame.
