By Allie Cohen
In an age of “cancel culture” and performative politics, Gen Z’ers, Millennials, and anyone born in the past few decades have fallen victim to unimpactful initiatives, conversations, and actions. This holds especially true when it comes to sensitive and politically charged topics – including those about mental health. Because we now live in a world where obtaining information at the snap of our fingers is a privilege anyone with access to the internet can enjoy, we treat information like we do junk food – great in the moment, but unfulfilling.
In the context of mental health conversations, college students (myself included), high schoolers, and middle schoolers have become obsessed with figuring out what’s wrong. This focus is problematic because once we find out the situation, most of us are so worried about seeking more information that we don’t stop to think about the implications. Even if you do spend time to have a serious sit-down with a person about their problem, most of us are ill-equipped to have an impactful conversation.
College can be extremely taxing academically, mentally, and socially; Midterms have only amplified just how stressful it is. This stress can either trigger disorders for those who have genetic predispositions or cause others to face situational anxiety, depression, and a whole other host of mental issues. Additionally, how we talk about mental health can be compared to talking circles around it rather than getting to the heart of the problem. This can cause those struggling with their mental health to feel isolated, unheard, and alone. For instance, let’s say one of your friends wound up doing poorly on a test and expresses that they are stressed about it; What’s the first response that pops to mind? For me, it would be something along the lines of, “I’m sorry, that sucks, but at least a lot of other people did not do well either.” While this may seem like a perfectly fine response, it’s problematic because it doesn’t validate their right to feel stressed.
The response was not only problematic situationally but may have helped trigger their mental disorder. For example, let’s say the friend who confided in you has a mother who has depression. Those with a parent with depression are three times more likely than the general population to develop it due to biological factors and genetic predispositions. Specifically, those with depression and those prone to it have unusual activity in brain areas involved in goal-directed behavior and inhibition of troublesome thoughts. They also may have lower serotonin levels – a neurochemical known to regulate anxiety, happiness, and mood. So while your friend may not have had full-blown depression at the time in which they confided, they were more privy to lower-self esteem and lack of motivation. With that said, one situation will not trigger depression. However, if the people your friend confides in continue to use responses similar to the one above, they are more likely to develop it. These types of responses are also known as sympathy-based responses, and it is a common, ineffective, and often demeaning type of response that many of us employ. So how could you, or rather we, respond differently? The answer is, by supplementing them with an empathy-based response.
Sympathy and Empathy Responses
Sympathy is feelings of pity and sorrow for someone else’s misfortune. Conversely, empathy is the ability to understand and share the feelings of another. Today, many of us use sympathetic questions and responses, which as seen from the definition above, only scratches the surface of problems. Here are common sympathetic responses many of us use today and their consequences:
- Deflecting: when we briefly acknowledge the person’s situation and promptly change the subject. Communicates that the person does not matter and that their problem does not matter.
- Diminishing: when we try to find the silver lining in a challenging circumstance or to compare our friend’s situation with those of people in a worse spot. Employing this takes away the right of the individual to feel the way they do.
- Dismissing: When you attempt to give perspective to someone who is harping over things you feel do not solicit the amount of time or attention given. Using this strategy invalidates feelings and suggests how one should feel.
- Directional Questioning: When someone poses a leading question to shape a conversation and/or to define a situation. These often stem from assumptions. Using this strategy tells a person how they should feel.
- Dishing out unwanted advice or anecdotes: These are more cognitive-focused and aim to problem-solve. Employing this strategy imposes your standards of handling a situation on someone else and communicates that they’re not heard.
Sympathetic responses, although well-intentioned, can have negative impacts. The following are empathetic complimentary responses:
- Rather than deflecting, call out courage. Opening up is hard for everyone, and it only makes it that much harder when you feel like you put yourself in a vulnerable position only to not feel acknowledged. Use a response such as “thank you for trusting me with this. It means a lot to me.”
- Instead of diminishing, focus on character boosting and acknowledging the difficulty of their situation. The gravity of something is relative to the person. Everyone feels, experiences, and thinks about things differently. All feelings are valid, and all people are entitled to feel however they want about a situation, no matter how big or small it may seem to them. In the example about the test, an alternative response could be “I know how much you studied for this and how hard you work, your frustration is warranted.”
- Instead of dismissing, make sure you convey that you care. Everyone wants to feel seen and heard. To achieve that, use a response such as “I’m here for you. What do you think I could do to help you feel better?”
- Instead of using directional questioning, ask clarifying questions. How you would feel about a situation might be different from how someone else might feel. Rather than applying your standards, and providing a leading question, use a response such as “from what I’m hearing, you are feeling X. Is that right?” In doing this, a person can fully grasp the situation objectively.
- Instead of giving unsolicited advice, check-in. Sometimes, people just want someone to listen to them. I cannot tell you the number of times I have tried to confide in someone, only for them to give me advice that was not only unhelpful but left me walking away from the conversation feeling unheard. To combat this, use a response such as “how are you feeling today?” In doing so, you allow the person to lead the conversation in the direction they want it to go.
No matter who you are, we all have stuff that goes on in our lives that can take a toll on our mental health. You never know what is going on in someone’s life, and you never know how much of an impact you can make on someone, even if the effort seems small on your part. While we cannot eliminate the risk of someone developing a mental disorder, we can alleviate the toll of situations and poor mental health by asking the right questions.
