By Sophia Sasson
As we continue to move through the pandemic and much is still unknown, I have noticed my own personal adjustments in my mood. In March 2020 I was about to sign a lease for an apartment in D.C. but decided to pull the plug because I wasn’t sure what was going to become. Information was fluctuating daily and I did not want to be on the hook for an expensive Foggy Bottom rent.
Let me start off by saying that there are days where I am glad I made this decision and there are days where I am sobbing on the couch because I missed out on an opportunity. I want to also mention that I live in Los Angeles and am grateful for my sunny warm days and my backyard, the beach, hiking etcetera. While these amenities are great, I, along with many others am very lonely. Almost all of my friends from home have gone back to their respective schools or elsewhere and I can’t help but feel left behind.
You may be wondering – “why didn’t you just get an apartment in dc after the fact?” – that’s a good question. Some days I am ready to move back and then other days I realize that (no offense) I don’t really want to be part of our global health problem. I know that I am resilient and can tough it out. I don’t think moving across the country in the middle of the pandemic is the right thing to do… and that’s just me. I don’t judge others for their choices.
But back to my point about mental health. I have been trying to reach out to all of my friends on a regular basis. For almost all of 2020 I would walk the line of hiding my true feelings and telling friends that I am ok so as not to burden them with my problems. But I realize that not sharing the truth with my friends was making me a shell of who I am. And burying my sadness rendered me incapable of functioning. There have been days where I am sitting in class staring at my screen and I just start to tear up, and I’m unable to pinpoint why.
So now, when I reach out to my friends and they ask me how I’m doing, I am honest… Not to burden them, but because if they are asking, I hope they are genuinely curious. I let them know that I’m lonely. I am in the epicenter of the global pandemic, so seeing the few people that are in my city is not super plausible. I let them know that although I’m going through it right now, I’m overall ok and I am happy that I can talk to them. Then I ask them about how they’re lives are going and live vicariously through them.
Don’t get me wrong – there are days where I want to shatter my phone because looking at how much fun you are having on Instagram or Snapchat hurts me to my core. But none the less you are my friend and I am happy you are happy. I made my bed and now I’m laying in it.
I have learned that self care is super important right now. I have a zoom call with my therapist every week. I try to exercise or walk every day. I watch boatloads of television. I cook and take semi-good pictures of food and post it on Instagram (shameless plug for @organicallysoph). I cry. Almost every day. But these are all things that are helping me cope.
I just wanted to let you know that it’s ok not to be ok. And it’s also ok to tell people that you’re going through a tough time. Because odds are, you’re not alone.
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