The Official Relationship Breakdown For College Students

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By Kaleigh Werner, EIC Academics

Disclaimer: this article is satire and by no means intended to offend any student or individual.

Oh, the days of talking on the phone, going out to dinner, and meeting the parents of the person you had just decided to go steady with are over. Most of us, being as we are now in college, never got to know what that generation was like. Now the equivalent is being dm’d on Tinder after you just swiped right on someone who swiped right on you as well.

“It’s called matching Mom and Dad, gosh. They must really like me if they put in the effort to type a message asking me to come over at 3 pm for an hour!” Yet, there are still some salvaged romantics out there who are in college and believe they found someone they truly love. Even so, a lot of these couples have gone through the typical stages of a college relationship.

First Stage : The Buffet (Non – Exclusive / Casual Hookup)

This is the stage that the majority of students prefer to be in, it’s easy and doesn’t require a lot of work. I would compare this to a buffet, a big buffet, let’s say about 11,000 options, but if we are being honest we only would consider about a third of that. The point is, being in a casual relationship is like being at a buffet, you have so many options to choose from with no restrictions. The only problem with this buffet is it is not the most sanitary, as there are only a couple serving spoons to stick into each dish. So, all the mac and cheese is getting in the kale salad, even if you don’t think it is at first.

Second Stage: The Set Menu (Exclusive / But Still Sort of Casual)

So now you and whoever you are with have decided that all of the options at the buffet don’t really interest you as much as certain others ones do. This now transitions into a set menu which means that there is still some variety, since you are not officially tied down to any one option. However, with a set menu, you do know what you are getting and there’s isn’t any cross over between serving spoons anymore, thank god (if you know what I mean).

Third and Final Stage: The Home Cooked Meal (The (Dreaded or Not Dreaded) Relationship)

And this is it. The end of any variety or mystery, but hey at least you know everything is sanitary, because this my friends, is the home cooked meal. You know what you’re getting every single night and now you have to deal with paying for the groceries, cooking, and then cleaning up, all the hard work (drama) that comes along with it. Now, some may say that it’s rewarding in the end. On the bright side though there is security in knowing that you’re comfortable with what you are getting.

Relationships in college are tricky, especially if both parties have different perceptions of what stage they are in. So, my advice would be to make sure you communicate and openly agree about which stage you are and want to be in, even if it’s awkward. Good luck kiddos.