By Jonathan Kay
Happy Holidays dear reader. I hope this most joyous season is full of cheer and good fortune for you and your loved ones. I hope the spirit of the holidays fills you with the utmost joy. I hope you are in your ugliest winter sweater while reading this. And I hope this news finds you well, as I am about to tell you the greatest five holiday songs to fill your soul with merry goodness.
Number 4: “Jingle Bells”
Why Jonathan, you may be pondering to yourself, this is such a basic choice that it’s basically white noise at this point. And you’d be right, dear reader, if I were writing about the regular Jingle Bells. NO! I have bamboozled you. The real Jingle Bells of legend, the one where a certain caped-crusader craps his kevlar-covered cowl, is the best version of the song and an absolute earworm no doubt. The song goes:
Robin laid an egg
Batmobile lost a wheel
And Joker got away
Jingle bells, Batman smells
Robin laid an egg
Batmobile lost a wheel
And Joker got away
And then the song goes back to normal. But for those precious few seconds where Batman becomes the star of the holidays is a pretty image. I can just picture him scowling, sipping from a Hello Kitty mug drinking hot chocolate. Isn’t that relaxing?
Number 3: “Candlelight” by the Maccabeats
For all my fellow Jewish holiday enjoyers out there, do I have the banger for you. This song has everything. Acapella. Early 2010s Smosh vibes. And an endorsement by President Barack Obama himself. A parody of the hit Dynamite by Taio Cruz, Candlelight retells the story of Hanukkah in whimsical fashion, gleefully recounting how “the Jews fought on and on and on until the mighty Greeks were gone…yea.” And honestly, I throw my hands up in the air all the time while listening to this song. If you haven’t heard it and you’re Jewish what are you doing go watch it.
Number 2: “Santa Claus vs. Moses” by The Epic Rap Battles of History Series
In this holiday edition of the Epic Rap Battles of History Series, the two creators rap as elves and Santa Claus against Moses, played by Snoop Dogg, formerly known as Snoop Lion, formerly known as Snoop, formerly known as Snoop Dogg. After reading that did you just go look it up? I think you did. And that’s because this is the greatest song ever. In what other song is there a line with such quality as “you took the Christ out of Christmas and just added more mass.” Not only is this a classic rib on Santa’s jolliness, it’s a commentary on how Christmas has become more of an excuse to give our loved ones gifts than to worship God. Truly a work that will define generations to come. That being said, also go watch the Stephen Hawking one — he kinda slays in it.
Number 1: “All I Want for Christmas” by Mariah Carey
You knew this was coming. This is not only the greatest holiday song of all time, but the greatest song of all time. It brings tears to my eyes to hear Mariah hit those fucking high notes.
True story alert! True story alert!
One time, on November 1st, at approximately 1:30 am, I went outside my dorm building and played Mariah Carey’s “All I Want for Christmas is You” on full blast on my speaker. I got yelled at. It was so stupid, but I would absolutely do it again. And that’s what separates this from every other song. This is the only song that passes my “play it in public at 1 am” test, which has no other members in that club. THEREFORE this is the greatest collection of musical vibrations to ever grace human ears.
