By Jonathan Kay
How does one define a successful date early on in a relationship/situationship? Obviously there is no score you can objectively give when going on a date, and considering the wide variety of date types, you can’t really generalize how successful a date is other than one thing: chemistry. You go on a dinner date and you chat and laugh and talk, the eating is secondary. On a lunch date you do the same thing because they are both food dates, you sweet babe swaddled in ignorance. Brunch dates are a little different because of the involvement of a tasteful but not excessive level of mimosas (typically between 4-11 mimosas per person in my 21-year-old opinion). However, that should make a good level of chemistry even more pronounced, and a low level of chemistry even more awkward. Movie dates are, in my opinion, absolute dogwater. If you talk during a movie you deserve nothing but the worst, but on the other hand if you ain’t talking, then why are you on a date in the first place. That being said, a drive-in movie date, a romantic delicacy in the DMV, might be the peak of these potential date options, although a little intense for an early date, ya know ya know. However, out of all dates, of all kinds I believe one stands out as the most bizarre and worst outing one could possibly propose: a study date.
Let’s start by the two avenues in which this can go, just as any date can go. Number one: the rizz is popping, the chemistry is breaking negatively, and the bonds are covalent (that’s a chemistry joke for all you peeps who are either STEM majors or paid attention in 10th grade and I’m proud of it so I gotta make sure you get it). But overly long tangent aside, that’s awesome, good for y’all! Together you shall make a fine couple. However, dear reader, I ask you to consider your studies. Your poor, poor studies. You see, as you walk your separate ways, a smirk may indeed grace your lips as the chit was indeed chatting. But, reframe what just happened from the point of view of your untyped essay, your unmemorized notes, and your unfinished homework. Now look back on your date with a scowl my dear woestrucken reader, for this date will forever be tainted by the fact that you did not accomplish your studious goals while also leaving you with even less time and energy to complete them and setting you in a mood anything but primed for studious activities. The date becomes tainted by work left untouched, just like you.
Then there’s the even worse alternative, you guys just don’t vibe and do your work in utter silence. Me, personally, I can’t focus when there is noise, and I especially can’t work when there is a deafening, heavy silence hanging in the air. So not only are you on a bad date, you aren’t even studying. You’re just absentmindedly reading over your notes, gameplanning how to reignite a conversation that will just die within two back-and-forths anyway. Not only are you just not studying, you’re dying inside as you question every decision you’ve made in life to lead you to this ungodly awkward moment. Once again, you leave this date scowling at the time lost not only not studying but also, ya know, having spent every second of this date oscillating between wanting to leave and wanting it to work out somehow.
Dear reader, I implore you, do not succumb to the allure of the study date. It may seem low pressure. It may seem like a good way to ask someone out in your class. It may even seem like the best option because you are both good studious students and you can bond over the material you are studying together. And dear reader, here I come to you with a confession. I am a victim of the study date. I come to you with the experience of a man who was drawn in by this mirage and was burned by what I experienced. So when you think to ask someone on a study date, reconsider. And if you get asked on a study date, suggest some place else. If not for your sake, do it for me.
