By Jonathan Kay
Welcome back, dear reader. Did you enjoy my last article? Did you read it? If not, let me give you a tl;dr. Essentially, I explained the rules and positions of football to give you, yes you, dear reader, some baseline knowledge of the sport before I explain your most burning question: who do I root for in this National Football League. Also, why shouldn’t it be the Chiefs? Shouldn’t I just root for them? The answer, dear reader, is no.
Well the answer is maybe. You can absolutely root for the Chiefs. And if you do, you might want a little overview of who plays for them and a little bit about their history. Let’s start with the guy you already know. Travis Kelce is probably the second best human being to ever play the position of Tight End, and the best one playing right now. He is fast, can change direction on a dime, and understands defenses as well as a quarterback. But he can only be so good. He needs someone to throw him the football. Luckily for him, and unluckily for the rest of America and the world, Travis Kelce has the greatest talent to ever touch a football throwing him touchdowns.
Yes, my dearest Swiftie, Tom Brady has absolutely nothing on Patrick Mahomes’s raw talent. He makes throws at every arm angle. He makes throws on the run going to his left and right. He makes throws without even looking at who he’s throwing to. The best/worst part is that he doesn’t just throw the ball with flair; every throw he makes is incredibly accurate. And, despite only really being in the league for five full years, he has consistently made at least the semi-finals of the National Football League (NFL) Playoffs, the AFC Championship Game, and has won two Super Bowls and been to three in that five year span. I don’t think you understand how insane that run is. Peyton Manning, Tom Brady’s primary rival throughout his career and the greatest quarterback ever at putting up raw statistical numbers only won two Super Bowls throughout HIS ENTIRE CAREER. That’s right, The Forehead has as many Super Bowls in 17 years that Mahomes has in 5. But wait, there’s more.
The Chiefs also have the second-best defensive player in the league, according to polling responses from NFL players. His name is Chris Jones, and even though his name is boring, his game is everything. He is a wrecking ball. He bursts through offensive lines with the power of a battering ram and the finesse of a figure skater. He is 310 pounds of strength and grace. And I’m not done yet.
The final Chief that you must acquaint yourself with is Big Red himself: Andy Reid. You may have seen this man eating fries in a State Farm ad before. He is a rotund bundle of football offensive genius, who may just be the second-greatest coach of all time. This combination of talent and coaching makes the Chiefs a perennial Super Bowl contender–if not favorite.
The Chiefs were not good for a very long time. They won Super Bowl IV, and then went through periods of tasting success without ever being able to savor it. That was until the greatest arm to ever exist was paired with the greatest football offensive mind. In Mahomes’ five year career, they played in three Super Bowls, they have won two Super Bowls, and they have reached the semi-finals twice. But, my dearest swiftie, there is another option.
Did you know that Taylor Swift liked football before she liked Travis Kelce? It’s true! And she wasn’t a Chiefs fan. Oh no, dearest reader, she was, and is, a Philadelphia Eagles fan. Wouldn’t you rather root for the Eagles considering she is a lifelong fan? No? Well, then let me convince you.
First, there is a Kelce on the Eagles. His name is Jason and he is the best center (middle of the offensive line) in the NFL. In fact, the entire Eagles offensive and defensive lines are the best in the league. If you feel so inclined, you can listen to the greatest Christmas album to ever exist, “A Philly Special Christmas”, where you can hear a 7 foot, 360 pound Australian man sing his absolute tubes off, and the more talented Kelce brother try to do the same thing.
The defensive line has a wealth of talent from which to draw from. The player I will highlight, though, is a player named Jalen Carter. Carter, famous for picking up the quarterback for Louisiana State University with one hand in college, is even better than Chris Jones. He doesn’t play as much, and he is only a first-year player, but he has established himself as the best defensive lineman in the entire league. I have to emphasize that is not normal. Football is a sport that has growing pains at all levels. Rookies can perform well, but it takes years of experience and hard work to succeed, much less establish oneself as the best player at their position within the first four games of your career. But that is exactly what Jalen Carter, the Baby Rhino, has done.
Jason Kelce, Jalen Carter, and the rest of the offensive and defensive lines are fantastic, but the true King of Philadelphia is Jalen Hurts. Hurts is the quarterback for the team. He had a breakout year last year, establishing himself as the third best player in the entire world (according to votes from his peers). He was voted as the runner-up to be Most Valuable Player, and likely would have won it if he was not injured for three games. Last year, he carried them all the way to Super Bowl runner-ups, against Mahomes (who he outplayed). The rest of the team just let him down. He never loses his temper, never snaps at people, and is wise beyond his years. Plus he can really throw a football. The bombs he throws to his pass-catchers are often placed just over the outstretched arms of defenders into the only place his receiver can catch it. It is truly beautiful to watch him drop back and just chuck that ball 50 yards down the field to the only spot his receiver can catch it.
You may believe this choice between Eagles and Chiefs is inconsequential. They only play each other once during the regular season, and they are not even in the same conference (so they would only play each other in the playoffs if they both got to the Super Bowl). You may even be inclined to root for both teams. The thing is that the matchup between the two is definitely going to happen again within the near future. The two may even develop a rivalry if both quarterbacks, the two best quarterbacks in the league, stay healthy.
You can decide who to root for, but you also must ask yourself: who do I root against? Yes, you technically root against every other team than the one you root for, but which team(s) do you hate? To start, the Chiefs hate the Denver Broncos, Los Angeles Chargers (formerly the San Diego Chargers), and the Las Vegas Raiders (formerly the Los Angeles Raiders and also formerly the Oakland Raiders). This is because they are in the same division, the AFC West. The Eagles hate the Dallas Cowboys, New Jersey Giants (because they play and practice in the great state of New Jersey), and the Washington Commanders (formerly known as the Washington Football Team). All four of those teams (Eagles included) are in the NFC East. The Eagles really hate the Cowboys though. I won’t go into the history too much, but if you are a Swiftie and root for the Cowboys, then Taylor Swift probably hates you.
To end on a higher note, whichever team you root for, you can’t go wrong. Both teams are going to be strong picks for a long time. But, before you throw your love behind the team in Kansas City, Missouri, I have to warn you. What happens if/when the equivalent of American royalty break-up? You won’t be able to root for the Chiefs anymore because obviously we’re taking Tay-Tay’s side. But if the breakup does happen and you root for the Eagles, you still get to root for the team that she roots for. Dearest Swiftie, to conclude, throw your rabid support of Taylor Swift in with the most rabid fanbase in the NFL and root for the Philadelphia Eagles for, preferably, the rest of your life.
